Singles Awareness Day: A New Tradition?

Being a romantic does not get you far,
Maybe as far as the bottom of a Haagen Dazs carton.
Or at least that is where I find myself.
Okay, not quite the bottom,
Apparently one can't even get THAT far.
It is with difficulty not to feel sad, lonely, and depressed.
But this "holiday" is just so good at magnifying said feelings.
Honestly though, I am quite alright,
and have really been enjoying the single life.
It's just days like this when the romantic comes out 
and fiddles with my little heart and makes it want things
It can't have and is not all that ready for.
And want things I shouldn't have,
like chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream.
It was even on sale, how could I say no?

Always Again

I didn't have the guts,

to go through with it.

I didn't have the strength,

to say the words.

To admit to this desire,

would be a pain lost.

To act on what I want,

I thought I could do.

Disappointed in myself,

defeated once again.

Will this burden lay with me?

Why can I not confess the help needed?

To the only one who can,

The only one with the answers.

Another moment lost,

Another restless night.

I miss LAB

     Warning: This post is just me whining and complaining about how I hate the process of growing out my hair.

     I have been growing my hair out. Long. Something I haven't done in a hand full of years. It's proving rather difficult, frustrating, and extremely boring. I am in the in between awkward length where I am tired of wearing it down and boring in a lame bob, but I can still somewhat pull it back into a stupid stub of a pony tail.
     
      I love having a short, fun, funky salad tossed upon my head. I also miss getting my hair cut by the fabulous Katie Schaan at Lab Salon in Victoria. The entire experience of getting my hair cut is fantastic; it's the time I take to really pamper myself, and feel luxurious. The brilliant staff, the head massage and shampoo is always amazing, and then the excitement of changing the fringe that I see everyday. I love trying new things and even trying something a little outrageous like when I had this hair:

     It was so fun! Although I must admit having my hair a bit longer does make me feel so much more feminine and pretty. Not that i didn't before, just the short purple cut doesn't quite give the same feel. I think I am just going through getting-my-hair-cut-withdrawals.

I miss it dearly.

     But I must stay strong, and keep holding out on the hair cut if i want the long locks, which I so badly do.

The Sun Does Rise With Me

The sky is the most interesting colour of everything.
The light like I've never seen before, is irredesent to touch,
chilling to breathe.
And the eye of heaven shines on faces not forgotten.
Clouds have pasted and this new morning was much needed,
for those suffering from Seasonal Affective Disorder.

Dance

To me its the physical exertion of expression,
                             through movement and interpretation,
                                                 in a single experience.
           To feel music
               run through each limb in turn,
 and visually present the rhythm channelled
                                                                  (internally).

                              To hold on to an emotion,
                and express it fully through the entire body,
                                       and in an instant
                                                             let go of
                         
                                                              everything.

   The ability to choose how to manipulate the body physically
           to portray an image or a feeling is, in itself, freeing and empowering.

                                         This freedom is addictive,
                               and I can always feel it there,
                                                                         beneath
                                                                                    each
                                                                                         step.
  It's waiting for any opportunity to break free
                from somewhere within.
                                  It allows me to feel beautiful,
                                                                     upset,
                                                                     strong,
                                                                     angry,
                                                                     fragile,
                                                                     content,
                                            
                                                      anything I want to feel.


                               It's a release of everyday emotions and energy,

                                                                       a relief.

Poddlings.

I would not be able to handle the amount of school work I have without   The Pod: the very amazing, brilliant, incredible group of wonderful people I have the pleasure of engaging in educational activities with.

All we do is laugh.

Literally.

I am ALWAYS smiling when I am around these people, they bring out the best in me.

They inspire and motivate me to put everything into my work, even when the work doubles like E.coli (every 20 minutes) or so it seems, and then we laugh about it. 

When everything is piling on us we have each other to hold ourselves above the masses of text books and assignments and not get lost in it all, but look down and just laugh at how ridiculous it is.

Although I think we have all lost our minds at this point. But we just laugh about that too.

Seriously we are laughing ALL THE TIME.

I am pretty sure everyone else in the Environmental Technology program thinks we are insane.

I love that we are an extremely diverse group of people that fit together just perfectly. I love that we create an immensely comfortable atmosphere that I can be myself in every way, shape, and form.

And laugh as loud as I want/can.

I also can't believe that this is only our first year in the program!

And it's only going to get harder!

(that's what she said?)

...

HA HA HA!

P&P

Mr.Darcy is all but a social butterfly. How shy he becomes in a room of strangers and acquaintances. How proud he is seen but in truth it is shyness to easy conversation. One is not approachable when discomfort is sensed, and mistaken for short dislike. To close oneself off from a room is a loss of neighborly affection, and enjoyment of company. How much I want to break down the walls he has built around himself and set him free to love and be loved by the world. What joy I want to bring to his gentle heart, to open him to the world he is missing.



Old Poetry.

I uncovered some old notebooks filled with small poems and anecdotes I managed to scribble down as the thoughts passed. To show them here gives them life and light finally, as I was too shy to share them at the time.  As I attempt to unravel my half thought words and horrible writing, more will be shared.

(21/08/2007)

She stops to wonder where and why she's going.

Looks around to see what's going on,

Everything.

Everything is happening. All the time.

Matter is moving,

She is moving.

(19/07/2007)

And in easy dreams she sleeps. Finally. Wordless thoughts tonight; Pictures and images say everything that needs to be heard. Colours express emotion.

Bright: innocence/Dim: disappointment.

She's learning this new language. Decoding everything piece by piece. Her thoughts are her visual puzzle, telling a story on mute. A new way to listen.

Watch.

(25/10/2007)

She's elegant and swine.

The times she whispers,

Slits down your spine.

Her black streak lined with lace,

But she'll always smile

to your beloved face.

Zzzzzzzz.....

Yesterday I feel into a world of sleep, entwined in flannel, kitty cats, and  a bus load of Z's.

It started with sleep and ended with sleep.

A drawn out sleep-in before meeting the morning, and coffee and bailey's with Kim and Kase. Geography, geology, gym. Helped Kim with a rogue move out of hell, and a delicious lunch was devoured after the hull was done.

This is when it really started; upon arriving home at 5pm I thought I'd have a little nap before I dove into the world of biofilms and ended up sleeping from 5-11pm. Waking up to see my nap turned into a full on sleep was at first refreshing, which only lasted a heartbeat as alarm picked up it's pace. Flipping open my laptop in attempt to start researching bacteria colonies did not last very long before I surrendered back into the waves of comfort and warmth calling my name and tugging at the tired strings pulling me down. Down to a slumber that was much needed.

This morning however I feel well rested, and full of delicious breakfast and coffee. Feeling ready to conquer an assignment dwelled upon for too long, and I have a geology field trip to look forward to this afternoon at least!

I REALLY need to shower.

I am exhausted. Physically. Note to self: do NOT go to the gym after school, when you know you have a dance class that evening. Lesson learned. Pooped. The mad sprint to catch the bus after dance didn't make for a pleasent night cap either.
Happy to be home. Need to shower. Need to start microbiology paper, work on stats homework and finish lab, look at geology lab for tomorrow, and rest for personal training session tomorrow after school. Oh man what have I gotten myself into? Nothing a lot of coffee in the morning can't fix i am sure.
I don't have time for this right now, maybe tomorrow.

Newly Knit

The internal tumult between climbing to the summit or staying here to admire, with attention the mountain range commands at it's throne, is an undecided choice I myself cannot make.

    
    
     I have noticed myself thinking of the speed of time. It can be equal with accompanying sound; A spoken word leaves the mouth, and there time has gone with it, so quickly, so unnoticed. These are always the sweet maple syrup moments one enjoys the most. I have had many lately and thinking back now, everything is passing so quickly. I am enjoying myself immensely though, so I will think not of how fast time travels, but of how much fun I'm having.

     Last night I had my niece over for a sleepover. It was fantastic, and a much needed early bedtime. I went shopping with my sister this afternoon and purchased a new mineral powder from Sephora, and lipstick from MAC. I am in love with the new Sephora that opened here, it's so fun looking at all the makeup. I also watched Baz Luhrmann's interpretation of Romeo + Juliet. It's an all-time favourite and absolutely Brilliant. I got some knitting done this afternoon and finished a toque and some fingerless mittens(below) that I am in love with!

Smitten with my kitten.

As days pass my list of things to do grows.
This week it has been an exponential growth.
Today I got a good look at the beginning of what taking six courses REALLY means.
A whole lot of work. Not to mention a lot of money.
It's not a bad thing, just an observation, or rather realization.
Me realizing I can kiss my social life good-bye at any minute.
Or second, actually, there it goes. It's gone. Just like that.
Snap.

The first half of this week has been really great. I prepared a plethora of agar plates for bacterium  culturing, including a soil sample from my compost. I thought there would be some bacteria of interest residing there.
I learned about the many many different types of maps, which I am fascinated by. 
I cooked a fairly impressive meal (by my standards) for a special someone.
My contemporary dance classes resumed, and we are working on my favourite choreography yet! I also think i am going to join my instructors company!
Today my afternoon was spent on the rocky beaches looking at rocks on a geology field trip, I went for lunch with The Pod at the Pink Bicycle, and my kitty cat (Carbon) moved in this evening. I even managed to get in a short run, and stats and geography reading too.

My days have been long but productive.
My mind is being expanded and imaginative.
My heart is curiously smitten.
And I am happily home with my kitten. 

More Birthday

     This morning feels like it was a whole nother day. I woke up and headed downtown to catch the train up island for my niece's 7th birthday party! The train was absolutely beautiful as always, it's my favourite way to travel. I got some school reading done that I needed to do, and my mother picked me up in Nanaimo. To my grandmother's we went for a belated birthday lunch, and my sister and niece met us there. My niece and I share a birthday and today was the day of her party. We went glow bowling with a bunch of her friends from school it was really great! I dressed up in my bear suit (Paws) and played with the kids and brought Araya(my niece) I bunch of colourful helium balloons. I have also eaten SO much birthday cake today! Such a good day. I got a ride home this evening, and happened to pick up my dear friend Aleesha on the way home which was delightful to see her and visit for the hour and a half drive.



Uncharted Territory

     I spent part of the afternoon with a dear friend of mine, who I haven't seen in a while. We caught up over decaffeinated chai tea in my petite kitchen. "What's new?" was asked of me and well, dating is a new activity I have been engaging in. So, being a single 21 year old lady, I shared some of my recent dates, and the discussion of the "first date" unfolded. Where does one go on a first date? For dinner? Lunch? Coffee? Who pays? Should I expect him to pay? Is he expecting, that I'm expecting him to pay? If we split the bill does that mean he's not into me? How long do I stay? What do I do if it isn't going well? What if it is going well?
     So many questions, and I have no answers. It was somewhat comforting though to know that my single 21 year old male friend also didn't have answers to these questions and that we are all lost in this awkward fun world of dating.   

     I started thinking on my own, of what a 'perfect' date would be to me. Not necessarily a first date, but just a date in general.
-I enjoy simple things like making dinner opposed to going out, and staying in and playing Scrabble, chess, or any other board game really, the two former being favourites.
-In the summer, with warm weather, I love picnics outside by the ocean or in a field somewhere. With cheese, fruit and wine. Maybe read some poetry aloud (something I enjoy doing when home alone).
-Being in the forest for any reason is ALWAYS a sure way to make me the happiest.
-I also LOVE going to the museum and IMAX movies, or the classic dinner and a movie is always nice, although rather expensive.

     The dating world is so odd to me. I have never really been in this position before in my life. It makes me feel old, and similar to characters in Hollywood movies about the middle aged women who live by themselves and have no luck with love. I am however not middle aged, in a Hollywood movie, or really looking for "love" . I not looking for anything, I'm just letting it happen and seeing where that takes me; 'it' being life that is.

New classes, new faces.

     First day back in the classroom. It almost feels as if the last three weeks off didn't happen. Back to the books. Did Christmas, New Years, and my birthday really already go by? No student loan yet. I think my winter break was a hallucination, or maybe a just dreamt it. Okay enough lying to myself;To be honest, I am happy to be back.

     I am also excited about my classes too. I wasn't looking forward to statistics, but I really like my instructor, and I think i forgot how much I enjoy math, it's been a few years since I've taken any math classes. I am not really into microbiology; I am just not very interested in things that I can't see with the naked eye. During my four hour break I registered for my contemporary dance class (so excited!), and briefly went to the gym and stretched a bit. My only other class today was English: Communications. I looking forward to being in an English class again too, it's a technical writing course as well which is something I really need to work on.

    This evening, after finishing some readings, I headed over to Stefy's  for a delicious dinner she cook for us, and I peered over her shoulder to learn a few things. Now I am trying to decide if I want to jump in the pool and do some laps tonight or just curl up in my flannel sheets and call it a night.

Birthday Day!

Today is my 21st Birthday!

It's also David Bowie's Birthday (and Elvis Presley and Steven Hawking)

Today will be a good day

Cathedral Grove.

This is where I like to play.

Busy Bee

I have been keeping quite busy the last few days; I'm trying to take advantage of what's left of my winter break!
The Royal BC Museum has a really neat Natural History exhibit on now that I went to with a friend the other day. It was basically my biology lab all over again, with jars upon jars of different specimens and taxidermy animals, all organized into different groupings that I understood, which was so great to actually apply knowledge I learned at school! Speaking of school, I can't wait to get back to the books. My classes this semester all sound really interesting:
-Environmental Microbiology
-Physical Geography
-Map & Air Photo interpretation
-Physical Geology
-English: Communications 
-Statistics
With six classes and five of those having labs I think I won't have much of a social life. I'm not sure what I would do without The Pod (The amazing group of people who are also in the Environmental Technology program with me).

I also dipped into the pool again last night, and gosh it felt great. How I've missed my water legs, and noodle arms. School starting again also means dance will be starting again and I really can't wait for that!

Dinner Party

Ahhhhhh, today it rains. How refreshed one feels after being outside in such weather.

Last night I had my first little dinner party. Two of the loveliest ladies came over(Hannah and Riley), and a delicious fish dinner was served, with many thanks to Hannah for cooking said fish; I steamed asparagus, and baked yams. Besides having only enough cutlery for two, and only one large plate, and two chairs, we manged and it was so nice to have special people in my special space.

01.01.11

      The morning was left unadmired as I laid in bed until the sun reached directly above me. I could leave not the warmth of flannel embrace, or stop reading sonnets of an adored poet to see the beauty that was today. 
Eventually I managed to tear myself of such indulgences to start a low-key, lazy day. 
I spent a fair chunk of the afternoon here:

     Besides the tankers between me and the majestic mountains, I'd say it was close to perfect. Taking my two wheeler along the coast was a great way to "ring in" my MMXI. Upon returning to my humble abode I managed to boil some mung beans and use my new rice cooker, and put together a somewhat decent meal. Learning to cook for myself should be added to the list of resolutions. The rest of the evening will be lost to laundry, and a FASHION magazine, and some hot lemon ginger tea. 

One Last Day

The time has escaped me at a pace as sand through fingers.

The large heap of silica placed in my palm was to much, it started to fall over, spilling like a waterfall.

There reached a point when I could hold the load, but choose to let go of what I did not need.

I am left with little sand, and more space to be free.

Photo Credit:

Michael Hornbogen

___________________________________________________

        2010 has been a great year, I travelled across Canada, which was the greatest experience, and I went back to school and started a program I am SO excited about. I really brought my knitting to a whole new level, discovered contemporary dance, and I'm living on my own! 
I am left with no regrets and doubts, only happiness and excitement for what lies ahead in 2011!

And I suppose this is an appropriate place for a list of new years resolutions:

1.No sugar (only Birthday cake)
2.Get back in the pool and swim again!
3.Make more time to write and read for pleasure
4.Visit the Ocean more often
5.Grow hair loooooong
6.Knit a sweater
7.Ride bike to school (almost)everyday

I think that's good for now.

(Cape Spilt)

With light as shape

Inwards one feels

An air of skies

As Ocean’s breathe

Standing among a split cape

 A Moment of love seals

Whistles face good byes

As Ocean’s breathe

Here sea grasses blow

A field of life

Freedom overwhelming

As Ocean’s breathe

The seeds do grow

As one draws within

A burst of swelling

As Ocean’s breathe

Clear ahead

Feet grounded below

Heart held high

As Ocean’s breathe

Words left unsaid

Hard to swallow

Another good bye

As Ocean’s breathe

A Passion Revisited

To remember what I once adored,
Opening the pages never felt so right.
With passions lifting, hoping  aboard,
As I open my heart and take flight.

It happened so fast, the spark was quick.
Searching to find the start of the trail,
The words come together and click.
All from a few letters I'm going to mail.

New Home

A week ago today I moved into my own place, by myself. Living on one's own I am finding is incredibly freeing, but simple; in other words, I think I am lonely but do not want to admit it. Or maybe I am not lonely yet, and fear I will become so. I'm also experiencing the humorous moments of realization where I am starting over, on all fronts. Buying groceries, coming home to cook dinner, and forgetting I don't have oil, butter, or salt and pepper; My meals have been rather bland and boiled. The spice and flavour is missing from my cabinets, and I worry I will lose it from my life. The whole single life is great in some ways, but when I am home in the evening I still find myself waiting. Just waiting, I think, for someone, anyone really, to come home. If this is even my home yet. This thought makes me feel well, a bit lost. Home: what a vast concept to through around from place to place. I will find myself here soon enough, and this haze of confusion and uncertainty will rise, my sleepless nights will end, and a special place of my own, is what I will find.     

Opening the Floodgates

Intentions postponed by hesitation to be open.
Time managment included is failing.
To think of speech one may find interesting,
Is posing more diffucult then expected.
In past times there exsisted an ebb and flow
Words, text, thoughts, emotions passed
No filter to contain doubts, and uncertainties.
Just presence, an internal current,
Once unstoppable. Drying no longer,
The tide it rises.