I don't do well with blood

This morning one of the Zoologist in my office asked if I wanted to see a Fisher necropsy. 
I should have said no.

We walked over to the other office building, and went down onto the dark parkade level of the building where the lab was. It was more of a long cement closet with large freezers and a metal sink and long metal counter in it, with a lump of fur sitting on it.
Shiver.

This furry friend had been tracked for a few years, and something had killed it (this is what they were trying to figure out), she pointed out the bruising where the stomach used to be, and how the organs were gone. Not a lynx, it would have gone for the neck. Probably a wolf, a young one, it didn't eat the Fisher, just killed it. Maybe poison, no stomach to test it's contents though.

The smell wasn't so bad, apparently it's the decomposing organs that give off the odour I was expecting. I almost lost my stomach though when she pealed back the pelt that had been partly skinned before we arrived. She "undressed" him, pointed out the muscles and fat down it's back, and where small animals had eaten through the ear.

There was blood smeared on her gloves, the shiny metal surface of the counter, on the lips of the empty labelled bags beside the dead. I was starting to feel light headed, I didn't realize I kept trying to hold my breath. Or maybe it was just nausea.

It was uncomfortable for me to see the way the animal was handled. Not rough, just with a lack of compassion. Routine. Detachment. But they used names. Julie, Penelope, Latcher. They had stories and personalities, but now they lie there, motionless. 
I couldn't understand there knowledge and connection with the animal, and how they handled it now.

I don't understand death.

I was standing beside one of the big freezers, that I hadn't realized was a freezer, until someone wanted inside. I stepped back and saw it was filled with labelled bags, white, black, and clear, some looked smeared with red. That was it. I was out of there. If I stayed my breakfast of chocolate and banana-nut cheerios would have been on the cold cement floor. Even if I didn't see the inside of the frozen coffin, the smell that rose was enough to send my eyes to the back of my head and my heels turned to the exit.

Subtle laughs followed me out. Bent over, hands on knees, back into the dark parkade, trying not to puke. I noticed dry red splashes, and smears on the grey cement floor around the doorway. Some lighter then others, and a few roundish drops. 
Shivers.


I waited for the others under fluorescent lights, and confirmed with myself that Zoology is not a path I will be taking, and I'd much rather stick to plants. 
They have far less blood.

  

   

 

Tonight

i miss
the feeling of your warmth and the thin film of moisture that forms between our naked skin
the way your hair tickles my cheek when I can hear the air push and pull from your chest
watching your neck pulsate with each beat while I lay under your chin in your arms
feeling safe and sound

Today

I am fragile.

Changes

Awake, shower, cereal, boiling water, hand grinding coffee, out the door to the beach. 
A large grey blanket hung in the sky, and the moist air clung thickly in my nose, trachea, and lungs. Where did the blue sky go, and it's friendly sun that had been visiting for the last week? I suppose not all things can stay. Everything seems to have a habit of change. Coming and going, ebbing and flooding, you think I'd be used to it by now.

The sidewalk was wet, the cross walk was wet, the road was wet. Earlier it must have rained. My first steps on the beach however showed maybe the sky had only fallen briefly, the over-turned sand with each step exposed the dry white beneath the grey wet surface. It was cold on my toes. Finding a small, dry piece of drift wood under a hanging bow among the backshore, I placed it upon a larger water-logged seat, and drank the hot liquid in my mug. 

The tide was low, the dogs were out, and I spotted a sail-less sailboat motoring, a power boat, and some large tanker off in the distance, hiding in the fog. You'd have no luck finding the other side of the Strait. You could sit and imagine it was the open sea if you wanted, I couldn't though, reality has ruined that for me. I know to well what lies behind the curtain of dense fog, the view of the Olympic peninsula is etched into the back of my mind. 

I've been counting down the days, until a very special person in my life is to leave this island for some allotted amount of months I care not to calculate. This morning the number of days have trickled to number of hours until departure and I guess it's hitting me that he is actually leaving. The pumping mass in my chest rises to the base of my throat, and the ocean swells puffy morning eyes. 


This summer the small ring of my closest friends have all left for the warms months. They left some weeks ago and though I was sad then, I still had someone hear to distract from me missing then so. Now I will say good-bye to him and be left on my own. 

This is a good thing I tell myself. I am a creature of habit and tend to spend time with those closest to me and be content with that. I have many friends indeed, a great number of fine people I would love to know better, and see more often, and this is a wonderful opportunity to do so. While I was in school I had time not to see those outside of my studies, but now I am free of that, and I'm very excited to regain what I believe is called a social life. And with my usual amigos off on new adventures, I may start my own and invite new people into my life instead of new places. 

I can be shy to make plans though, and this is my challenge, it is very easy for me to spend time with myself instead of making plans with others and this is a pattern I wish to break. I cannot sit alone and mope that my loved ones are gone all summer, to waste energy in that would be a sad employment for upcoming sunny days. 

With that in mind, I stand and finish the last of the now cold caffiene, and walk home in a different additude.
 

Watercolour Whales

Paint what you once feared, and you will learn to love it

as you see the beauty with each stroke form from 

you're own hand.

What you created is a part of you, and how can one fear itself,

when all you feel for yourself can only be love.

 

One day I will call you home

(Tofino)

Buoy and Girl

Afternoon Sunshine

KW: "I love how big your dimples get when you smile."

RG: "Well, I've got something to smile about... I've got you."

Our cocoon

RG: "Goodnight Butterfly"

KW: "Goodnight Moth"

Over it

Trying to find a co-op job has turned me into a horrible person. I just feel shitty, constantly. I feel so self-centered, I'm so focused on myself I don't even care about anyone else. I've been short and distant with friends, and most definitely annoying. I can't eat, I don't sleep. I'm worried all the time about everything. I hate this. I don't want to feel this way, or act the way I have been anymore. 

So I'm saying fuck it. I'm not going to worry anymore. I'm done with feeling shitty, and being shitty to the rest of the world. It's not me, and I hate who I am becoming. 

If I don't get a co-op job then so be it, I will go back to working retail for the summer, or I'll move back to Nanaimo and share a bunk bed with my niece. It's not ideal, it's why I went back to school, I'm supposed to be done with that stage of my life, but I'll just have to make the most of it because that's what I do. 
That's who I am.
I'm usually all smiles, positive, optimistic, and stoked on life so I am going to go back to being that person. 
because I really miss her, 
and I think everyone else probably does too.

  

Things work out right?

Today has been one of the hardest, most stressful days of my life. I don't think I have ever cried so much. I literally feel as though if I tried to produce tears right now, I would not be able to because my tear ducts have been completely drained. 

Today has been filled with multiple physical and emotional, uncontrollable breakdowns.

I hate crying in front of strangers. It's awkward. 

It's that time of year where I have no idea what I'll be doing for the summer or where.
I'm applying for co-op jobs. Well, I've applied for SO MANY co-op jobs. 
I have yet to hear anything, I hate this waiting, waiting, waiting. 


I have had a really easy life.  

I've never really had to try hard in school to get good grades

I've never had problems finding a job

I've never not had a home to go to

I've never not had enough money to pay for rent or food

I've never been concerned about my health

These are all things I no longer have, and I feel extremely scared.

I've never been put under so much stress and uncertainty,

and I have no idea how to deal with it.

I am overwhelmed. 

I don't know what to do

I do however know, and have to keep reminding myself:

I have a great group of friends at school who always help when they can

I will eventually get a co-op job - I'm just hoping it's something I want to do

and if I don't then I am going to volunteer my face off and get experience that way.

Friends have offered me their homes if I find myself without one, or I have my tent.

I'm waiting on a Bursary, and I'm applying for an education award I found today, so hopefully money will be coming my way soon.

And I've been told that I shouldn't worry about some health issues I have and it'll be alright.

And I have an amazing boyfriend who makes me feel so special, and comfortable, and safe. 

I'm going to be fine.

It's just really hard to stay positive when I feel like my whole life is falling apart.

And I have no control of my future.

This is probably some great life experience where I'm supposed to build character and learn something about myself, and be creative to pull through stressful times or something. 

I really need to get in the Ocean.

 

My Second Dance Show!

This is my second dance recital! I am so excited!

It's tomorrow!

Cute Dork

"(L)"

Everything is Plastic

 

Gonzales Bay , Victoria B.C

 Is a pretty beach

 

Pretty dirty.

 Today I found: 

13 shot gun shells

2 water bottles

2 lighters

rope

numerous plastic fragments

1 cup

5 tampon applicators

plastic film/food wrappers

a glass bottle 

a beer can

amoung other debris

 Somethings travelled from the ocean,

Somethings left by visitors

 Yet none of it belongs here,

Everything is plastic

& I stepped in dog poop

my reality lives in my head

I saw a bird sleeping on the pavement at the bus stop the other day. Laying over a folded wing on the cold cement, back to me, I couldn't look at it's face. I wondered what my little feathered friend could be dreaming about. Probably flying, with a tail wind, heart racing, moving faster then he'd ever flown before over the land. I wished I could be in that dream too. My eyes started watering as I squinted through the wind. 

Part of me knew that bird was dead, but I could not bring myself to believe it just yet. I walked over to see it's belly, and face. Eyes were closed, sleeping, just as I expected. I wanted to think he was smiling. I wanted to move him onto the grass where he would be more comfortable, or maybe into the low hanging Arbutus behind the bus stop. I could not bring myself to move the sleeping bird, in case I disturbed him and he woke too soon from his soaring adventure. 

Or to find he was limp and cold and lifeless. 


 

Alarm Clock

KW: "... you have places to be!"

RG: "Yeah, right here with you."

Tire-Tutu Garbage Ballerinas!

Playing around at Gordon's Beach, Port Renfrew:
Surf, Swim, and a Beach Clean Up, with
Friends. 
A proper thing.

Message in a Bottle

May I float with you Buoy? On crest and in trough?
You're salty and cold-wet on a warm parting.
Rolling towards a sphere, drawn by a celestial pull.
I know of only one thing stronger, it's kept in a chest.
I will keep you company through all kinds of weather,
I know you've seen heavy storms and a flat calm,
As countless changing tides ebb and flow.
But right now it turns and it's different from the others.
I wonder what it will bring for you, and now me,
as together we float in this great big sea.

No. 2 in the "In The Water" Series: Winter 2012

I forgot

I've been having a really hard time being motivated with school lately, well really since the start of this semester. As much as I have enjoyed my program for the most part, this semester has not engaged me in any way. I've taken this chemistry class before and I'm thinking I should have taken the credit instead of trying to get a better mark (although I really enjoy the labs). This is my second time with Calculus and every time I hear the words "limit" or "derivative" I get shivers down my back as memories from UVIC come back to me- although it's going much better this time around. My waste management class  is a complete waste of time, as we keep getting engineers to come and give lectures on  really boring material, and who are the most awkward people that have no idea how to teach, and they always take up the full 3 hour period. My quantitative assessment class is actually really great, it's a lot of statistics and sampling design stuff that I'm enjoying and think will be super useful later on. My GIS class is pretty great too, right meow we have a pretty dry project working on a TFL boundary but again it's great experience. So I guess it's not all bad, just not that exciting, there isn't much new content, but rather building on the skills and knowledge from past semesters. I'm also rather distracted with the idea of how great it'd be to work a whatever job and be able to surf and camp more, or save money and go travel. 
This is when I need to remind myself that I went back to school because I was tired of working a retail job, not really doing anything, and that I started this program specifically because I want to do meaningful work. I want to do something I care about and believe in. I want to help people, and help the environment and this program is a step in the right direction for me to get to where I want to go. I am getting some really great skills in between some of the bull shit, and meeting important contacts and finding great resources for my future career in really whatever I want to do at this point, and that's still a really exciting feeling. I'm still not 100% sure what I want to do with my life, but this program is going to put me in a good position to get me going.

Typing out these thoughts have really helped put things back into perspective for me, school may be frustrating sometimes but ultimately this is where I want to be right meow, and it'll all be worth it in the end. 

Goodnights

"Tomorrow should be sunny, 

because you'll be here."
                                       -RG

Ketchup

I've finally returned back to regularly schedule programming with calculus, chemistry, quantitative assessment, GIS, waste management and co-op in the prime time line up for the next 4 months (well i suppose just over 3 meow). My winter break was much needed to resuscitate myself after last semesters manslaughter. Maybe that's too dramatic, but I felt pretty void of functioning brain activity at the end which made relaxation pretty easy to slip into. 
I got some hours in at the old job and spent time with the greatest coworkers in the world, I had just over 24 hours jam packed with family for Christmas, and a mellow New Years Eve "camping" at Sombrio. I managed to get out in the water a handful of times or two, and even surf some new places that have become new favourite breaks. 

While on the topic of surfing, I've done this silly thing of entering myself in the Wave Hunt (a fun surf competition at China Beach), which is happening early February. I am really excited and nervous and other emotions associated with such events.
Today was also my first urban surfing sesh at Cadboro Bay, it was great only driving about 10 minutes to get to the beach instead of 2 hours, and being able to change in the warm washrooms was a  luxury. Surfing in windy conditions however is not favourable, visibility is difficult when salt is spraying, or rather piercing, your eyes and wind waves are choppy, unpredictable, and have no power.  Just being in the water and experiencing the elements is brilliant though, and getting a few waves (lefts!) is just a bonus; any day spent in the water is a good one, and I got a hell of a work out paddling against the wind.

Back to catching up though, I never got around to making any new years resolutions except maybe to surf and drink more water, but I think this year will be very busy and exciting. School is a full load again, and Kim and I are back into bootcamp twice a week, and my dance company has started up again and planning for our show in March has already started and I've also been attempting to choreography a solo for it which is proving difficult.
As mentioned before I've got the Wave hunt coming up, and have been pretty involved with the Surfrider Foundation these days and I've started thinking about what to do this summer as co-op jobs are making rethink moving to Tofino. Also I've found a friend who has a unicycle I am going to borrow and attempt to learn to ride, I bucket list item I've had for many years meow (updates on my progress will come). 
As well I recently retrieved my instruments from my old house and can't wait to get my fingers moving and making music again. 
In family news I've been given contact information for relatives on my father's side that could maybe connect me with him, which I am not too sure how I feel about at this particulate moment, so we'll see how that unfolds with time. 
Thinking about everything that's going in my present life and all the things I want to be doing is a bit overwhelming and I'm feeling a little all over the place (if you can't tell) but what is prominent is that time management is going to be really important especially when I want/need to make time for best friends, boyfriends, and surfing!           

 

so quite new

With this thing called "free time" ahead of me in the form of a winter break from school I've come to the realization I no longer have hobbies. School has completely consumed my life to the point that I have forgotten all other interests I once had. 

This concerns me a bit because I feel hobbies are a reflection of my interests, which stem from my values and ideologies that define who I am. When I no longer express myself through such activities I fear I lose a bit of myself, who then do I become but a body, where is my soul? 

I used to knit a lot, read for pleasure, write, and swim. Once upon a time I played music, and went for bike rides, played chess, and went for hikes. Then there are the things I used to want to get into like film and photography, cooking, and learning how to ride a unicycle. My life consists of school, studying, and surfing (which I don't consider a hobby, rather essential to retain sanity). 

There are exciting times ahead for me as I rediscover, and find new activities and interests to engage in, as well as think about all the things I could do with an English major.      

Styrophobia

 

 

Additude Adjustment

School has really got me down lately so I thought I would comprise a list of things that make me happy to try and counter act the negative feelings I'm having towards school.

Puddle jumping after rainy days

Cozy toes in wool socks

Really big pom-poms

Extracting blackheads

Taking the wax off my surf board

Crossing things off To-Do lists

Picking hair out of the drain

Looking up flights to places I want to travel

Making homemade soup

Writing and sending letters

Receiving letters is great too

Curling up in flannel sheets and napping

Discovery coffee (beverages & people)

Riding the bus in the morning

Doing beach clean ups

Sucking pennies up with the vacuum

That vacuum has two U's in it

When my roommate bakes

Eating food from the garden

Putting Maple Syrup on everything

Day dreaming about my love life

Always calling people by their names when they're wearing name tags

Licking salt rocks (those pinks ones)

Poking fires with sticks

Watching marshmellows expand when you through then in the fire

Thinking about how there is a skeleton inside me

Post-surf nasal drip

Jumping in big Autumn leaf piles

Saying "Thank you driver" when I get off the bus

Getting pruney fingers from being in the water for a long time

When cats do silly things

Eating stale popcorn

Awkward moments

Getting jittery when I drink to much coffee

I feel much more relaxed, and in a better mood after thinking of all these things that make me happy. Mission accomplished.