Say Anything

Let me sleep tonight, moon I see you.
The light is brighter then eye lids shut,
For once one dreamless night I ask.
These thoughts drift into my sleep
And keep me stranded in this hole I dug.
The dark is all around as I fall deeper
And this sleepless night grips me,
Made of cloth, a coward to the day
Is running from me, however
I am unknowingly tangled in a pull,
As you drag me behind,
By a thread attached to you.

Darkness speak to me,
if not to apologize, then to free me.

I miss KimberWolf Esmeralda Von Sanshood

Goodbye toaster oven

Goodbye hot plate

Goodbye mini fridge

Goodbye small shower

Goodbye single bed

Goodbye my shoebox of a bachelorette suite!

Today I moved out of the first place I have ever lived by myself, and I feel this is a good time to reflect on the importance of this time in my life, even though it may have only been for six months. I learned a lot about myself, such as I need to learn how to cook for myself. I  learned I prefer not to sleep alone. I learned that I am really good at locking myself out of my house. I learned how to squish silverfish (because they are to fast to catch). I learned how to shave my legs in the shower. I learned how to make delicious banana bread in a toaster oven. I learned how to call friends when you get lonely. I learned when your cat scratches the walls you can't just find a can of paint in the laundry room, and try and paint over them - that only makes it worse, especially when it's the wrong colour, and when you decide maybe sanding it down would make it look better. Oops.

I am now at Shawnigan Lake for a few days until my mum gets here, and I think early Saturday morning we are driving up and over to Denman island, my new home for the summer months.

I'm looking forward to setting up my tent, and getting my hands dirty in the garden. And getting over to Tofino as soon as possible!

As excited as I am, I miss KimberWolf Esmeralda Von Sanshood terribly. I am not sure what I will do when I won't be able to talk to her numerous times a day.

love you wifey.

<3

Sand-Worn Side of You.

I found a local jewelry artist who makes rings and pendants from recycled copper wire, entwined around sea glass and shells she collects. They are absolutely beautiful.
They remind me of you. 
The contrast of the structured copper metal wrapped around the soft, sand-worn sea glass embodies you.
You have a protective outer wall wrapped around your secrets and sensitive side to keep people out. I know this because I've passed this barrier and have seen that soft, sand-worn side of you.

I thought about taking the sea glass we've collected together to the artist to make a custom piece, something to remind me of you, because I'm scared I will forget. 

Last Day of Classes and Catch Up.

The last 10 months of my life have been the best of my life.

Hands down.

I can't believe the amount of things I've done and seen, and the relationships I've built in this short period of time.

And I blame it on these three:

My life would not be as full of love, laughter, and adventure without them.

Thank you.

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Starting the Environmental Technology program when I did was the BEST decision I have ever made! And it's been an amazing program, at the end of the first year I have my GPS certification, Pleasure Craft Boating License, Stream Keepers certification, Restricted Operator's (maritime) certification, and WHMIS certification. Not to mention hours of actually field experience! 

I was so hesitant of the week long field camp component of my spring semester, but when I got out to Fairy Lake near Port Renfrew I had a really great time. 

I drove my first power boat, I canoed around Fairy Lake and up the San Juan River and it's tributaries, which is such a beautiful area (Besides the copious amount of logging happening in that area)

 We collected insects and salamanders using different techniques as part of an on going study of populations at Fairy lake which was really neat to be apart of. It was great doing actually field work that is being used and is meaningful. We also did Telemetry which was interesting, I wasn't very good at it. Although while practicing Nathan and I did find a real frog instead of the fake ones that were hidden.

We did another stream survey, which I really enjoy doing. I love doing the field chemistry part, finding the pH, and dissolved oxygen in the water. It combines my favourite things: Chemistry and Nature.

The timber cruising module I think was my favourite though. Learning how to fill out mensuration forms, using calibrated prisms, and calculating the volume of wood in a stand was really interesting. I want to go into foresty, developing sustainable forestry practices and these are my first steps in the field. We didn't do any tree coring, which is something else I am really interested in, but I'm sure if I ask,  I can get someone to take me out to do some.

While at camp I also learned how to chop firewood! It was so liberating, and fun to be able to cut my own wood, then start a fire with it. I am one step closer to being self sufficient! I also filleted a salmon! I really manned up.

My wife and I have also made another Tofino trip since I last posted, May long weekend we made yet another trip to the West Coast to visit friends and surf, although this time with our own gear!

We also got to take a boat ride over to "Stubb's Island" that only opens up to the public once a year

And more recently Perry, Kim and I went for a hike around East Sooke Park after having an amazing lunch in the sun on the patio of the Smokin' Tuna Cafe (which is randomly located at the end of an amazing trailer park near the Park).

We saw this really cool weather system that caught up to us just as fast as it passed by.

Camp camp camping

Okie dokie, off I go into the almost-wild until Saturday!
I have feelings of excitment somewhere in there!
I hope I haven't forgotten anything.

Bearing Off

Ugh.
This debby-downer mood is clinging like a greasy flim all over my body, and will not wash.
I find myself in a constant state of unease, and flooded with anxiety.
I feel uncomfortable, replaced, and unwanted.
There's a burning inside I can't put out, and everyday it grows, and will soon engulf me whole.

I have so much coming up, loose ends to tie, good-byes to say, with adventures ahead.

I'm stressed

I'm nervous

I'm excited

I'm going to vomit.

My last day of work is tomorrow

I don't no where I am going to live in September

I miss my kitty-cat already

I'm scared my friends are tired of me

I'm moving in < 2 weeks

I'm overwhelmed



I feel like I'm falling apart a little bit at a time,

at the seams, stich by stich.

I'm all over the place, scattered pieces

Bearing off route

a little bit lost.

a little bit loney.

I need to stop

breathe

calm

breathe

smile

breathe

Blue & Butterflies

School has been busy, and all over the place, the days have been filled with: Orienteering, birding, GPS certification, horticulture, gardening, coast and stream surveys, soil and site surveys, and getting my pleasure craft boating license (test results pending), among other fun things. All in preparation for the week long camping trip next week. 

But oddly I am not really looking forward to it.

I am a bit upset with myself for not being as excited about this spring semester as I ought to be. This is suppose to be the BEST part of my program yet I am letting it go by without really enjoying myself to the full potential.

And i can't really figure out why.

Part of me feels it's just the absurd amount of gravel and antihistamines I've been taking that always make me feel off and not myself.

But another part of me says it's because I would much rather be living somewhere that I can surf everyday, and have a real break from school.

...

These long lit days seem to pass in a blurrrrr, but they just can't go fast enough. 

I'm not sure where time has gone, or where I am going.

Life as I know it is going to be changing very soon, I am anxious, and most excited all at once.

I leave for Denman Island so soon. I want to leave now.

A tent in a secluded meadow awaits my arrival for the two months of summer I am allowed.

...

I've just finished reading Longitude by Dava Sobel.

The long pursuit for time at sea is Riveting.

John Harrison is a Boss.

The opportunities in which he opened this world to is fascinating.

Great sea voyages such as those of James Cook or Darwin's discoveries that created and defined our history may not have been the same or even successful without Harrison's "curious watch".

I highly recommend it.

The Ocean is a giant Neti Pot.

     It's been in these days of past I have had such enjoyment, having been consumed by the ocean's crash, and conversation with most excellent company. Again adventuring I have been with my partner in crime, to the west and south shores of this island rock. With our ever unfolding addiction to adventure, we came out of the forest, and into the sharp salt of the ocean's bluegreen, and played in it's mechanical waves.

     Kim and I again have been off having the time of our lives, taking full advantage of the short break between our winter and spring school semesters.

     Last weekend we took off for Tofino at the "Crack O'Dawn", literally, we left at 5:30am and arrived on the west coast by around 10 in the morning. In the 5 days and 4 nights spent camping at Green Point we managed to be in a box parade, have a beach fire followed by a beach sauna and polar bear swim, surf with great people, have an impressive camp fire dinner by the "Cast Iron King", visit almost all the beaches in Tofino, walk in the forest, and watch amazing sunsets, all with our amazingly awesome new friends who really made this weekend fantastic!

     This was the first time I have ever been surfing, and I absolutely loved it! As soon as I caught my first wave I was hooked. Paddling with tired arms for an oncoming wave, feeling it's power push behind you as your board slides forward, finally catching the wave and popping up to your feet, and harnessing the oceans mechanical energy is a rush I want to experience again and again. Mind you I spent most of my time with more salt water in my nasal cavity then under my board, after the first day out I started to get the hang of it, and managed to get my feet on the board in the whitewash. 
    
     The second and third day we went out further and started attempting the green, unbroken waves which was much more challenging, and again I found the ocean to be a giant neti pot. But with sinuses clear I manged to catch some waves and have an amazing time on the water. Just paddling out past the breaking waves, although difficult and tiresome, is incredibly enjoyable, bobbing up and down in the passing waves and watching the shore from a completely different prospective was brilliant.

     I find this sport incredibly beautiful and at the same time totally badass. Watching the experienced surfers amazes me; there is skill required to glide so elegantly along the surface of a wave, yet the transfer of natural energy between water and board is so raw. The physics behind this sport alone fascinates me, and leaves me to study the mechanics of waves and tides and I'm left in awe at the fact it's all possible by a celestial body orbiting us.
     This activity combines all of my favourite things: The ocean, science, sport, and incredible people and I am not sure why I didn't try it sooner. 

Life? I Got Some.

I have been busy doing things like this:

 At East Sooke Park,

 With this lovely lady,

 Loving Life;

Driving to Tofino,

 Playing on the beach,

Absorbing some Vitamin D,

Always being silly!

 & Having Wild Adventures

In Cathedral Grove's Old Growth Forests,

And at China Beach,

With more Amazing people,

 Discovering amazing treasures,

(at Botanical Beach)

 In our own backyard!

 Having the time

OF MY LIFE!

(Avatar Grove)

So understandably, I haven't posted in my blog in a while.

:D

The Ocean Washes Me

Shine like the sun, you are beautiful.

     An unexpected bouquet of sun shine was delivered to my door this morning. Or I should say this afternoon, seeing as I slept at Mel's last night and woke up too hungover(as usual) to really appreciate the weather on my way home (or read the bus schedule right). But after my afternoon nap I was ripe and ready to get me some Vitamin D! 

     This afternoon you could have found  me sitting drinking orange pekoe tea, calculating confidence intervals, ease dropping on sailing adventures around the world at Oak Bay Discovery Coffee; Or at the ocean clearing a head full of negative thoughts and feelings, watching clouds cover mountains like blankets, and biking along a coast line with wind in my hair, and sun on my back.

     Now I sit pressing spring flowers, snacking on salty olives and Camembert, wishing I had a glass of Merlot. Also I've decided I don't want to be upset anymore, my life is too great to go around moping around with this heavy heart. I have the best friends in the whole wide world and if that is all they can be right now I am okay with that.

I am the luckiest girl in the world.



Tomorrow I will be a wreck.

If moments will not last, and now I am here
And music is to dance as i am to feel,
These are the days I am to love
There is only one I am thinking of.
Left am I here, in a sea of ache
Where cruel intentions form and bare
No harm I hope on those I love
But to I, I don't mind to deeply cut
To feel alone is in itself, loss of hope
And liquid help, to numb what is left
And unknown is what to do
All I want is to be with you.
I have lived, I have loved, and you I will choose.
But your wish was to much, and I am to lose
What I want is not what I will get,
Again I will spend a lonely night with no end.
I mean not to make you feel any pain
I have drank to the bottom, and should refrain
These words I have spoke, though true, usually contained,
But the liquid poured,  I have let flow the decay
I am left still,
and now
I am

lost.

Sonnet I.

A dreamer once spoke his words aloud,
Unknown was the response he would receive.
An imagined pleasure should have been found,
As the feelings to be released was a relief.
Although once one got what he wished for,
He was not ready for what could unfold.
However she was and wants much more,
Unable to hold her, he finds her cold.
She wants to say that she will wait,
With a questioned heart, full of confusion
And if unsure how long it will take,
To be left with one conclusion:
    If one waits for boys to become men,
   A flowers bloom may die by then.

Wake Up

This day was once unknown,

Time could not be superimposed,

Upon such feelings denied.

Although in those two words

A catalyst was held,

And the reaction sped ahead.

My hiding places are now full,

The holes dug, filled.

Their contents spread, spilled on the floor.

I want to take them down the Parkway,

I want to camp at night,

Held tight, the mountains kept in sight.

No longer can be denied,

“There’s a world to be explored”,

And yes, I would love to jump aboard.

Sooner than expected that “One Day”

Has arrived, and no longer

Does one have to dream.

(In response to "One Day")

Euphemism

Oh yeah, this thing I like to do sometimes...

That thing called life tends to get in the way of personal interests, and indulgences such as this. I've been busy. Okay, busy is an understatement to which school and dance have been demanding my full attention. It's mid-term season, and the last week before my dance recital. Surprisingly though I have been able to keep intact a shred of social life. Between Discovery Coffee stats study sessions, company dance rehearsals, and constant weather analysis, I have managed to fit in Quiz Night, a movie, la petite mort incroyable, and visits with Aleesha. I also somehow managed to have a five hour nap this afternoon. Oops. This weekend has been much appreciated, and enjoyed.

I started dancing in the Victoria Dance Theatre Company a little while ago now, and as mentioned I have my first dance recital on Friday, that I am very excited for! I'm dancing in four pieces! At our last rehearsal we discussed costumes, and went through the show, and I think it is going to be brilliant! I dance with such great girls, I have been learning so much from them, everyone is so talented! My parents and friends have said they are coming, which makes me nervous, and even more excited at the same time. This is the poster for the show:

I am also on day 6 of the Wild Rose Cleanse. It's been going really well, it is my first cleanse so I wasn't to sure what to expect but it's been really easy so far. The diet is basically everything I already eat so that hasn't been too hard, expect i miss dairy and of course sugar. The herbal supplements that I take every morning and evening aren't so bad either.

It's really great for me not only in cleansing my body, but for cooking habits. Through this cleanse I have had to prepare and cook every one of my meals, and they need to be full meals, which is something I have NEVER done. I have been spending lots of time in the kitchen, and I've really been enjoying it (surprisingly). It's been difficult in that I can't really eat anything from the school cafeteria, so I pack a lunch everyday, so I have to plan ahead and make sure i have enough food for the day, and it's saving me SO much money not buying lunch in the cafeteria everyday. 

Also I've noticed that everything I have put into my body in the last 6 days has been real food. Nothing processed, or really packaged. It's mostly, if not all fresh, and I feel AMAZING! I've also been keeping up on my gym workouts, and even have a new regime that's a bit harder then the last. So that feels pretty great too. My goal is to be able do at least one pull-up! Yay for increasing upper body strength!  



    

I love when the sky falls

I have been far to occupied with the snow we got the other day- my favourite, and being at the lake - also my favourite. So I have been just to busy, being too happy, under favourable conditions.
I am going to buy a lottery ticket today for the first time. I am going to win.

Also I find it extremely amusing to see this city fall apart when any amount of snow falls.

Always Again & Again

(29/12/08)

My Pellegrino’s flat just like my determination,

You’ve taken them both to detonation.

I drank from the jar, no bubbles were found,

To you by a string somehow I am bound.

I cannot let go of the words that you spoke,

The promises now, have left me to choke.

You know that you broke, and shattered them all,

You’ve lead me to allow my successes to fall.

I feel like my life has been lived  so untrue,

As if I had owed or had to impress you.

You left us alone and sometimes it was tough,

All I could feel was that I wasn’t enough.

For my own father what was it I lacked?

For certain I thought that this was a fact.

So long my own worth I had felt doubt,

I know now that you’re the one that’s missing out.

I sit hear alone on my living room couch,

In realizing this for you I cannot vouch.

I deserve more then to wait here for you,

To my new life this is my debut.

Today I declare that I’ll make my own choice,

To follow my heart and hear my own voice.

I won’t do what I think will bring you back,

But get this engraved on the face of a plaque.

This I will read each morning that I wake,

My heart and my soul will no longer ache.

Of what I had thought was missing inside,

Now that I know that, the feeling has died.

I’ll fill up the emptiness with what is true,

my successes and loved ones who have helped me through.

I will let go, and release all of  the wrong,

With what I’ve been struggling with for so long.

Busy w/Life.

Best Coast, Mel's Birthday Party, Homework, 

Dance, Knitting, Homework, Naps, 

Cleaning, Stats Party, Crafts, 

Playing with Kitty.

Life is Brilliant.

xo

Singles Awareness Day: A New Tradition?

Being a romantic does not get you far,
Maybe as far as the bottom of a Haagen Dazs carton.
Or at least that is where I find myself.
Okay, not quite the bottom,
Apparently one can't even get THAT far.
It is with difficulty not to feel sad, lonely, and depressed.
But this "holiday" is just so good at magnifying said feelings.
Honestly though, I am quite alright,
and have really been enjoying the single life.
It's just days like this when the romantic comes out 
and fiddles with my little heart and makes it want things
It can't have and is not all that ready for.
And want things I shouldn't have,
like chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream.
It was even on sale, how could I say no?

Always Again

I didn't have the guts,

to go through with it.

I didn't have the strength,

to say the words.

To admit to this desire,

would be a pain lost.

To act on what I want,

I thought I could do.

Disappointed in myself,

defeated once again.

Will this burden lay with me?

Why can I not confess the help needed?

To the only one who can,

The only one with the answers.

Another moment lost,

Another restless night.

I miss LAB

     Warning: This post is just me whining and complaining about how I hate the process of growing out my hair.

     I have been growing my hair out. Long. Something I haven't done in a hand full of years. It's proving rather difficult, frustrating, and extremely boring. I am in the in between awkward length where I am tired of wearing it down and boring in a lame bob, but I can still somewhat pull it back into a stupid stub of a pony tail.
     
      I love having a short, fun, funky salad tossed upon my head. I also miss getting my hair cut by the fabulous Katie Schaan at Lab Salon in Victoria. The entire experience of getting my hair cut is fantastic; it's the time I take to really pamper myself, and feel luxurious. The brilliant staff, the head massage and shampoo is always amazing, and then the excitement of changing the fringe that I see everyday. I love trying new things and even trying something a little outrageous like when I had this hair:

     It was so fun! Although I must admit having my hair a bit longer does make me feel so much more feminine and pretty. Not that i didn't before, just the short purple cut doesn't quite give the same feel. I think I am just going through getting-my-hair-cut-withdrawals.

I miss it dearly.

     But I must stay strong, and keep holding out on the hair cut if i want the long locks, which I so badly do.

The Sun Does Rise With Me

The sky is the most interesting colour of everything.
The light like I've never seen before, is irredesent to touch,
chilling to breathe.
And the eye of heaven shines on faces not forgotten.
Clouds have pasted and this new morning was much needed,
for those suffering from Seasonal Affective Disorder.

Dance

To me its the physical exertion of expression,
                             through movement and interpretation,
                                                 in a single experience.
           To feel music
               run through each limb in turn,
 and visually present the rhythm channelled
                                                                  (internally).

                              To hold on to an emotion,
                and express it fully through the entire body,
                                       and in an instant
                                                             let go of
                         
                                                              everything.

   The ability to choose how to manipulate the body physically
           to portray an image or a feeling is, in itself, freeing and empowering.

                                         This freedom is addictive,
                               and I can always feel it there,
                                                                         beneath
                                                                                    each
                                                                                         step.
  It's waiting for any opportunity to break free
                from somewhere within.
                                  It allows me to feel beautiful,
                                                                     upset,
                                                                     strong,
                                                                     angry,
                                                                     fragile,
                                                                     content,
                                            
                                                      anything I want to feel.


                               It's a release of everyday emotions and energy,

                                                                       a relief.

Poddlings.

I would not be able to handle the amount of school work I have without   The Pod: the very amazing, brilliant, incredible group of wonderful people I have the pleasure of engaging in educational activities with.

All we do is laugh.

Literally.

I am ALWAYS smiling when I am around these people, they bring out the best in me.

They inspire and motivate me to put everything into my work, even when the work doubles like E.coli (every 20 minutes) or so it seems, and then we laugh about it. 

When everything is piling on us we have each other to hold ourselves above the masses of text books and assignments and not get lost in it all, but look down and just laugh at how ridiculous it is.

Although I think we have all lost our minds at this point. But we just laugh about that too.

Seriously we are laughing ALL THE TIME.

I am pretty sure everyone else in the Environmental Technology program thinks we are insane.

I love that we are an extremely diverse group of people that fit together just perfectly. I love that we create an immensely comfortable atmosphere that I can be myself in every way, shape, and form.

And laugh as loud as I want/can.

I also can't believe that this is only our first year in the program!

And it's only going to get harder!

(that's what she said?)

...

HA HA HA!

P&P

Mr.Darcy is all but a social butterfly. How shy he becomes in a room of strangers and acquaintances. How proud he is seen but in truth it is shyness to easy conversation. One is not approachable when discomfort is sensed, and mistaken for short dislike. To close oneself off from a room is a loss of neighborly affection, and enjoyment of company. How much I want to break down the walls he has built around himself and set him free to love and be loved by the world. What joy I want to bring to his gentle heart, to open him to the world he is missing.



Old Poetry.

I uncovered some old notebooks filled with small poems and anecdotes I managed to scribble down as the thoughts passed. To show them here gives them life and light finally, as I was too shy to share them at the time.  As I attempt to unravel my half thought words and horrible writing, more will be shared.

(21/08/2007)

She stops to wonder where and why she's going.

Looks around to see what's going on,

Everything.

Everything is happening. All the time.

Matter is moving,

She is moving.

(19/07/2007)

And in easy dreams she sleeps. Finally. Wordless thoughts tonight; Pictures and images say everything that needs to be heard. Colours express emotion.

Bright: innocence/Dim: disappointment.

She's learning this new language. Decoding everything piece by piece. Her thoughts are her visual puzzle, telling a story on mute. A new way to listen.

Watch.

(25/10/2007)

She's elegant and swine.

The times she whispers,

Slits down your spine.

Her black streak lined with lace,

But she'll always smile

to your beloved face.